My method for conducting mediation is different than what you may typically find. I do not want to “negotiate” an agreement for you in the traditional sense of that term. In most mediations, the parties and their lawyers are put into separate rooms and the mediator simply carries “settlement offers” back and forth from one room to another. The parties are not attempting to do what is in their mutual best interest, they are each attempting to get as much as they can in the bargaining process. Typical mediation is a continuation of the adversarial win-lose process, just done in a more structured setting.
I take a different approach. I want you to arrive at an agreement together. While I might spend time with each of you separately, most of the time will be spent working out issues together. I do this for several reasons. First, the transparency of the process gives you greater confidence in the result.
By directly participating in each decision together, both parties will know exactly why each decision is being made.Second, an agreement that is worked out together is much more likely to be followed in the future. Each of you is vested in each decision because you both directly participated in the decision making process. In the end, this will be your agreement, not mine and not one your lawyers negotiated in your place.
Third, participating in the process together allows both parties a better opportunity to communicate their own concerns and to understand the concerns of the other. By this stage of the process, there is typically very little direct communication between the parties. “Offers” and “demands” are sent back and forth between lawyers. Positions are inflated for “negotiation purposes.” Motives are questioned, sometimes legitimately, but sometimes to improve a party’s leverage in the negotiation process. The filter of the negotiation process makes communications fuzzy at best and additional hurt and resentment are often the result.
By working on issues together, the lines of communication are clear, which creates better opportunity for improved communication in the future. These discussions are, admittedly, difficult. However, I will not allow personal attacks, or insults, or abusive language. The result is a safe and encouraging atmosphere in which parties are better able to express themselves and understand the concerns and motivations of the other. Healing begins, not just through the resolution of disputed issues, but through the process of coming to an agreement together.
CRM: Conflict Resolution Ministries 